Confessions of a Manic Depressive (Bipolar)

Written by admin on December 14, 2009

I have never written a blog before and not sure who would read it…I guess I will start from the beginning. I was born 3 months premature and only weighed 2 and a half pounds. The doctor said if she lives an hour it will be a miracle.  When I was two I was ran over by a car and the doctors found out then that something was wrong with my heart so I had open heart surgery at 2 and a half years old. And I am still here although not very healthy because due to the medication I take for my Bipolar I have gained so much weight. I am at a loss for words describinng how sad it makes me. But I am determined to find the joy in my life and writing brings me joy. I went to five proms in high school, had great friends, and I  was connfident and happy. Then, when I was nineteen I had my first of many mental breakdowns…

It all started one valentines night that I spent with an ex boyfriend. I became pregnant and never told him even though I dialed his number over a hundred times only to hang up at the last minute. I had an abortion and told no one. This was a very difficult decision and I am not sure God will forgive me, I know I can not forgive myself. The stress from going through this alone brought about my first psychotic break. I thought I was going to be on the Johnny Carson show and my thoughts were that I was famous and everyone loved me. When I was finally put in Fair Oaks psychiatric hospital the doctors thought I had Schizophrenia but after trying numerous combinations of drugs; I was finally diagnosed as having severe Bipolar…eventually I would exhibit some aspects of dissociative disorder as well.

As a side note I became a vegetarian a few days ago and I no longer eat dairy (I hope this will help me lose weight, and after I heard how the animals are treated to produce meat I think I made the right decision.)

After my first hospitalization which lasted three months my mom wanted to put me in a home with other mentally ill people. I felt so alone and scared and told her I would run away if she did that to me. Luckily, my Uncle Richard said I could come and live with him. He was going through a divorce and I helped him with his two sons (my cousins) and I slowly got better. I loved helping out and feeling needed. I drove my cousins to school, helped them with their homework and cooked dinner for them. Eventually, I went back to college and worked at the hotel which is where I was at when I started thinking I was going to be on the Johnny Carson show. Then, the psychiatrist thought that I didn’t have a mental illness because I was doing so well, so they took me off all my medication and I lost weight, applied to San Digo State University, got accepted, and drove myself to San Diego. It was an amazing time in my life. No mental illness! And I was so happy to be away at school. I lived in the dorm, worked at La Quinta Hotel, and went to TJ (Tiajanna) on the weekends with my friends from work. Things were going so well. Then, after my first year at school I moved in with my boyfriend. After a few months I started to get lost driving to work, broke up with my boyfriend, and once again had a psychotic break and thought I was going to be on the Johnny Carson show. Then, I was brought back to Sacramento and thus, my rollercoaster life began…

Sunday Feb 14, 2010

I was a daddy’s girl from the very start. Hearing his voice and seeing his smile would melt my heart in an instant. I was ten when my mom, sister and I moved from the midwest to Califonia. I was not at all happy to move so far away from my dad and when the summer came I wanted to go live with him. My sister and I went to Iowa to visit my dad during the summer and I stayed. It was a decision that would have a profound affect on my life. At first living with my dad was fun then after a few months things started to unravel fast. I learned he was an alcoholic, drug addict and dated girls still in high school. He would leave me alone for days at a time with out food or drop me off at somebody’s house I did not know. I remember being sad and scared. Sometimes the only food I ate was lunch at school.  One night my dad was acting strangely and had a women’s panty hose over his head. I didn’t know it at the time but he and two of his friends were going to rob this elderly lady. Well, I guess she woke up during the robbery and was subsequently beaten to death. My dad says he didn’t kill her but the other two guys ponted the finger at him so he ended up going to prison for ten years. I remember running from the police and was very frightened when the police finally arrested him in San Diego. The FBI could not tell the difference between who was his daughter and his young female girlfriend who was with us. About 15 cops pointed their guns at all of us and I don’t remember anything after that. Everything went black and my next memory is living with my mom and being in seventh grade…

Feb 19, 2010

Even after everything my dad put me through I still love him very much. He is out of prison now and I have not seen him for over thirty years. However we do talk on the phone. He has said he was sorry for everything and I have forgiven him although, my relationships with men have been strained. I usually go out with guys that I am not in love with because I am very frightened of falling in love. There have been a few guys that I loved very much but I continued to run from the relationship and never allowed them to get too close to my heart. After i came home from my dad’s my mom was very angry with me because I “chose” to go live with my dad. She favors my sister over me and makes me feel horrible about my weight issue. She does not deal with my mental illness at all and usually my sister has to help me when I have an episode. And she has four kids to take care of. My sister is really great. She is very special to me and I love her with all my heart. It must be hard on anyone in my family to see me ‘sick’. I try very hard to stay well. I take my meds even though they make me fat and try to live a stress free life. I am happy though…I have my writing, letter campaigning, and will be teaching seminars on mental health in the near future…

March 2, 2010

When you have a mental illness, you really find out who your friends are. I have decided to tell my story because if I help educate one person and dismiss the negative stigma it will be worth it. One of my best girlfriends Dalia, has been my friend for over 25 years. Not once has she ever talked bad about me or treated me like I was less than…She has been on this journey with me and understands me. She knows that I do not exagerate or lie about what I have been through and I can just be myself around her. She says I am strong and amazing even when I am feeling vulnerable. As I am writing this I worry that those who read it will judge me in a negative way…all I ask for is to be open minded and educate yourself on mental health issues and not let the media sway your opinion. The majority of people who have a mental illness are not dangerous and need love and understanding just like anyone else. One of my goals in the future is I would like to go to Washington D.C. and speak in front of Congress on behalf of those with mental health issues…

March 5, 2010

I wanted to add some positive aspects of me and my mom’s relationship…although very difficult at times I think it is very hard for her to come to terms with my mental and weight issues. I do know she loves me and is currently making an effort to get along with me. I love her very much and hope to have a great relationship with her one day.

March 28, 2010

I work very hard on being a happy person. I think finding one’s passion (finding someting you love to do and would do for free) is the key. I have been through difficult times but who hasn’t? I don’t feel sorry for myself. I just get up each day and say to myself this is going to be a great day! I never give up and keep looking for ways to improve my well being.

April 14, 2010

Today I am going to begin to write down all my calories, and cut three things from my diet…diet coke, salt, dairy.

May 8, 2010

Okay, so now I am 42 years old and when I was 22 I told myself that I didn’t want to be 40 and not following my dreams. I always wanted to write and I am doing that and I was working on becoming a professor before my illness progressed so badly that it interfered with school but I am still going to teach others about mental health…thus, still on my path of dreams. I may not have the title of professor but that is okay. I will be teaching free seminars in the near future at my own pace on mental health and this makes me happy…I am still working on the no diet coke and dairy (not easy) and it is a beautiful day! Oh, and my sister came over yesterday…we had so much fun! Just talking with her makes my heart fill with LOVE :)

June 19, 2010

Well, I didn’t receive a birthday card from my dad…but what should I expect I have only received three in thirty years. Its just that I thought since we were communicating again that at the very least he would have called me, but no. So, Sunday is Fathers day and am I going to call him…yes. I always do. I also always call my Uncle Richard who is like a father to me.

I am having trouble sleeping…not a good sign for someone who has bipolar. And it is a scary thought that I might have an episode. Just moved into my own apartment and I sure don’t want to be “asked to leave” . It is difficult talking about having a mental illness because there are so many people who are scared of those with mental illness thanks to the media. But I am dedicating my life to educating others on mental illness and it is my passion! Ican’t wait until I start giving free lectures on mental health to parents of children with mental health issues and those who suffer from mental illness! I am working on gathering all the research now. :)

June 21, 2010

I called my dad on Fathers Day and I am glad I did. He has hepatitis C  probably from all his drug use and is currently going through treatment to “cure” it. I guess it is worse than even radiation and his hair is falling out and he has big sores all over his body. We couldn’t even finish our conversation because he had to go. but before we hung up we talked a little bit about the past…I asked him if he remembered Lori who was one of my dad’s girlfriennds while I was living with him. She was so nice to me and even wrote my dad a song…something about how he might not get into heaven….because my dad worries about that. She was much nicer than my dad’s 18 year old bride Patty who was very mean and screamed at me all the time. I hated her and I was scared of her at the same time. (not anymore) However, she is helping my dad right now while he is going through this treatment and I am thankful that he has someone looking out for him. After he goes through his treatment and I lose some of this weight I am going to have him come visit me in California and we are going to discuss all the things that happened while I was living with him. I think this will help me…kind of like closure. I will keep you all (who are reading this) posted!

August 28, 2010

Wow…called my dad on his birthday and he acted like I was an interuption and a bother to him. I think I will wait for him to contact me. It seems to be such a waist of time me always hoping for some unconditional love and support. Oh well.

In October I will be giving my first seminar on mental health. I am so excited. I have a great fear of talking in front of people but I am not going to let this stand in my way of my dream to educate others on mental health…wish me luck and I will let you know how it goes …doing the research now and it is such fun :)

August 30, 2010

Why can’t I get a handle on my weight issue?

October 2, 2010

Well, an ex-boyfriend of mine who I have known since high school called me the other day…he would like to see me. How do I tell him that I am so over weight that the thought of letting him see me hurts my heart. In fact, I did tell him I was very over weight and he said he “thinks he could help me.” This made me smile…he would kind of be like my night in shining armour (does this make me Cinderella?or is that Sleeping Beauty?) How I wish he could help me…maybe he can.  When I had my first psychotic break and was hospitalized he came to the hospital with roses and a marriage proposal…After over twenty hospitalizations I think I made the right decision when I politely declined…how I will always love him for the unconditional love he has for me. We will always be friends and I will always care for him. When I care for someone I care for them forever…I mean I even like the girl who stole my boyfriend three times in high school :) I don’t focus my energy on negative issues.

October 12, 2010

I had a wonderful visit with my mom today. We talked a little about my dad and I learned a few new things. My mom was sixteen when they met and after they were married he used to take off and leave her alone with no food in the house just like he did with me. I learned that I didn’t even have a first Christmas…and that one day he beat her in the stomach all the way home from one of his buddies house because he didn’t like the way she acted. My father also drugged her and she was out for three days so he could go out and be with other women. My father is a narcisist and sociopath. He really does not care about me. I just recently figured this out and am not sure why it took me so long… My mom told me I looked fabulous today and this made my whole day. I really do love her with all my heart.

October 20, 2010

The only thing with my mom, I am still waiting to hear that she is sorry for letting me go and live with my father…after all, I was only a child and I had no idea my father was so unstable. I should not have been allowed to make that decision and I  should not feel like it was my fault.

October 23, 2010

Taught my first seminar on mental health last week!! It went so well I was asked to teach more…my next seminar is on December 2nd. I am so thrilled. Eventually I would like to speak at different colleges about mental health and will eventually achieve this even though I am petrified of public speaking. I am very happy!

October 23,2010

My mom and sister went out to dinner in a limo for my mom’s birthday yesterday and did not even invite me or tell me about it until today. I probably would not have gone but it would have been nice to at least been included. I love both my sister and mom but they can be quite toxic for my well being.

October 30, 2010

Well, it is 5:00 am and I can’t sleep so I am getting things ready for my next seminar and to be quite honest I get scared when I wake up in the middle of the night at my apartment. I like my apartment and my neighbors but I am scared to be by myself…oh well, I will get used to it. My next seminar is coming up and I am working on doing it even better this time around. Not only am I doing a second seminar they have asked me to do one every other month! Excited I am :) !! Teaching is my passion! Love it and loving my life!!

December 4, 2010

Well, it is after 3am and I am awake…I have decided that I am not going to complain about my mom anymore…I know she loves me and I love her. She is the only mom I have so I have to respect her, faults and all…(and of course…I am not perfect!) I am depressed though…I try to be strong everyday but some days it is so difficult to get out of bed and face the day. But I just think things could be worse and I need to focus on the positive things in my life…

I actually do know why I am depressed…it is my weight and I just can’t seem to get a handle on it and it is affecting my everyday life. I wish I didn’t have to take zyprexa…the only option I have is to wait for a new medication that actually works for me and does not cause weight gain. And I am also having nightmares. Sometimes I wonder if they are flashbacks from when I have an episode and have things happen to me that I don’t remember. Often during an episode I wake up and am in unfamiliar surroundings not sure of how I got there. I remember one time I was walking in the middle of the freeway at night…another time i found myself in a strange man’s home (very scary) . I also have been asaulted and taken advantage of when I am not well. I try to just not think about it but I think it comes out in different ways…like maybe eating too much or not liking myself very much. I need to work on this…thank god i see my therapist this week!

December 19, 2010

My next seminar is on January 13, 2011 can’t wait! I may soon get certified to facillitate the meetings as well.Very happy! Happy Holidays :)

January 2, 2011

I was watching Joel Osteen this morning and he said that our Heavenly Father is proud of us. I really needed to hear that because my mom does not seem to be too proud of me but rather embarrassed by me. She doesn’t tell me she is proud of me. She has said in the past that her job only thinks she has one daughter. After everything that I have been through and I still strive to be happy and achieve accomplishements and never give up…I am proud of myself and thankful that God is proud of me too!

January 9, 2011

Well, I am trying to NOT have an episode…using cognitive therapy to change my thinking back to normal and I think it is working. God at least I hope so…I don’t want to have a hospitaliaztion especially since I get lice everytime I sleep in one of their beds.

Dalia came over and brought me the most thoughtful christmas gifts. A picture of her and her mom ( I love pictures..and collect picture frames) a Marylin Monroe statue, a candle holder with a cross on it and a book on Happiness. Remember Happiness is a choice.

January 12, 2011

Well, I am listening to music and crying. I think i might have to check myself into the hospital. I am scared and sad. I have my seminar tomorrow and will not miss it…people are counting on me so hopefully I can hold on until then…It is a good thing I rely on myself. It is a good thing that my mom doesn’t help me too much because I am able to handle my illness even though it is severe . I probably would not be where I am today if she always helped me.

February 21, 2011

Well, my mom came over today…she is so beautiful! And she told me she is proud of me :) I had a little manic episode and am feeling much better now…no hospitalization thank goodness! I told my mom how much I love her and need her in my life. She gave me a big hug!! I am having a great day!

March 3, 2011

Well, I am currently working on having a fundraiser for my charity of choice NARSAD an organization that does research on mental health in the US and 30 other countries. It is very repitable and Kay Jamison PH.D author of an Unquiet Mind (good book on Bipolar) is featured on NARSAD’s website. My cousin Becky is helping me and together we hope to raise funds for this worthy cause.

My ex-boyfriend…the one who recently called and wanted to “help me lose weight” and who brought me roses and a marriage proposal when I first got sick abruptly stopped calling me. i think this is rude! I can’t help but wonder if it is my fault but then I think… he was going through a divorce so maybe he and his wife decided to work things out. I hope this is the case because they have a child together…

I have been wondering if I should call my dad…i can’t find his number but I have been worried about him.

March 15, 2011

There is so much memory loss surrounding the time when I lived with my dad. It makes me wonder what traumatic events occured that caused me to have no to little memory…this is something I am working on with my therapist. I am starting to have flashacks but wonder what is real and what is not. My mom says you were only at your dads for a “year and a half” dismissing me and and what transpired while I lived with my dad. i think she says that to make herself feel better about HER decision to let me go. When I did move to Iowa with my dad…my mom cried all the time and I guess i hurt her without knowing…and she has been mad at me every since. My dad was scary and took all kinds of drugs and I remember asking him to take some “nice pills”.  There were always tons of people coming and going at my dad’s and I remember this one guy saying “Elvis is not dead…” I thought this guy is really stupid! I only got three presents for christmas and missed my mom and sister very much. I tried to tell my mom I wanted to come home but she said “you made your bed now lie in it!” I didn’t even know what that meant but I was sure she didn’t want me to come home. i felt so sad and abandoned. When my dad was running from the police and was eventually caught in SanDiego…the police called my mom and I am assuming (because I don’t remember) that I told the police officers that my mom didn’t want me. Also, I found out later I had to take a bus from San Diego to Sacramento because my mom wouldn’t come and pick me up. I find this odd…my dad just got arrested for murder and I had to get on a bus when I really needed my mom to come and get me and tell me everything is going to be alright.

April 12, 2011

Well…depression has hit me hard. I am wanting to stay in bed and my blinds are shut even on these beautiful spring days…I am thinking back when I was eleven and living with my dad in a house infested with the largest cockroaches in the world. At night when I turned on the kitchen light the floor would be completely covered with these icky bugs! I was alone and scared and sad. I only had one pair of pants the whole time I lived with my dad and was embarrassed to go to school…but the bus driver would always wait for me because often I would have to rely on myself to wake up on time because there was no one else there. I would hear the bus driver honk her horn and rush to get ready in the five minutes it took to get out the door. My hair was full of tangles and knots and my shirt was too small. But I loved school…at least I wasn’t alone anymore.

April 14, 2011

Well I am in a much better mood today…the sun is shining and soon I am going to have a medium vanilla iced coffee with extra ice and work on my free seminar on anxiety disorders. I am going to try and not think of my childhood for this moment and focus on all the people who do love and care for me. After all…it is a choice on whether I am going to have a good or not so good day and today it is going to be a Great day because I said so!

April 16, 2011

Talked to my Uncle Richard last night. He told me that when I wanted to go live with my dad at age ten that my mom called him and asked what she should do. he told me he said that she should let me go and live with him. i think this was hard for my Uncle to tell me this because maybe he felt a little responsible for what happened with my dad. What he didn’t know is that my grandpa Tyler called my mom and told her to come and get me. My dad was running the streets and I was not being cared for. My mom never came and got me. And when I called her one day asking her to let me come home as I have mentioned she refused. My Uncle said had he known that he would have jumped on a plane and picked me up and I could have lived with him. I am not upset with my Uncle richard at all. After all, he could not have known what was going to transpire while i was living with my dad. My Uncle Richard saved my life after I had my first mental break down when he came and got me out of the mental hospital and allowed me to live with him. Everyone else had given up on me. My two cousins John and Joe helped me too. We all got along and I felt very loved by all of them and still do. I wonder if my Uncle Richard has any Idea just how fabulous I think he is and how much love I have for him! Lots and Lots!!

May 3, 2011

My mom came over for my birthday and we had pizza and it was great! I had such a wonderful birthday thanks to all my family and friends!

May 7, 2011

Several years ago after a hospitalization for my bipolar 1 I had nowhere to go so I was sent to River City homeless program a shelter (house) for homeless people with a mental disorder and/or substance abuse issues. There were about fifteen of us and only four people including me did not use drugs or alcohol. At first I felt very abandoned by my family but I ended up learning a lot about myself. I learned that i am a very strong person and a survivor. I tried to make my experience rewarding and fun. I thought up my organization S.H.E.R. and was in charge of the games at the house. Practically everyday I would buy candy at the seven 11 and we would all sit around the table and play bingo and yahtzee and win candy. Some people there didn’t appreciate the fact that we had food and shelter and would use alcohol and drugs along with their psych meds and become very ill. I stayed there for five months and was very thankful that I had a place to go and wasn’t on the street. I worry though that might happen again…becoming homeless and not having a place to go…so i take my medicine and monitor myself very carefully and follow my dreams!

Dalia is coming over Monday to see me and I can’t wait to see her!!

June 4, 2011

I had two seminars about Anxiety Disorders and they both went very well!! I even received flowers and a card signed by everyone from one of the seminars. The flowers were called “victory”  and I was told those flowers were givin to me because i am victorious!! How thoughtful and sweet! Also, my mom came over yesterday and we had such fun just talking and laughing…Our relationship is getting much better. My prayers have been answered!! :) I am exercising and eating healthy (no fast food!) and taking it one day at a time!!

June 5, 2011

I called my dad a few weeks ago. I didn’t talk long but he said “You know I love you!” I guess in his own way he does…maybe he just has a hard time showing it. My mom says he was running the streets by the time he was eight years old and maybe that is why he has so many issues.  Who knows?

I would really like to fall in love and get married or be in love with somone enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him. I really hopes this happens for me.  I have such a difficult time letting my heart open up but I am going to work on it…first I have to start liking myself and I hope that when I get my weight under control that I will finally be ready for love. I just got done watching Eddie Murphy’s RAW and he says all men cheat…lol I know this isn’t true…or is it?

June 11, 2011

My mom came over the other day and we were talking about me and my illness and how sometimes people are scared of those with mental health issues. i was stating a fact that the majority of people who have a mental illness are not dangerous or violent. My mom said that sometimes when I am in an episode that she is leary of me. This makes me sad because in the twenty four years that i have had Bipolar 1 I have never hurt anyone …one time a long time ago I broke a bunch of stuff at my grandfathers but I had a very very good reason for being angry at him…

July 3, 2011

I remember the very first time I became menatally ill and was sent to Fair Oaks hospital. My mom was yelling at me and the staff so much because she didn’t understand what was happening to me. The doctor banned her from seeing me because i would get so upset. I kept trying to escape out the front door of the hospital and each time they would have to come and find me. The last time when they caught me the doctor asked “Sherrie where are you trying to go?” I said there is a Ferari dealership down the street and they have my car! So he walked all the way down Fair Oaks blv. to the car dealership and let me get inside of a red ferari the same kind Eddie Murphy drove in Beverly Hills Cop 2. After that I never tried to escape again. I still think how special it was that the doctor took time away from his busy schedule to take that walk with me.

I wrote Chris Powell the trainer a letter. he has a new show called Extreme Makeover weight loss edition where people lose up to two to three hundred pounds in one year. I so desperately need his help! Once I am able to get around better I would like to volunteer my time at CSU, Sacramento and help out anyway I can. I love the environment on campus and aside from teaching my free seminars helping with research or admissions at CSUS would be fun and would make me very happy. I am trying to find ways that will fulfull my dreams and live a full and rewarding life! I encourage anyone reading this to do the same.  No matter what your circumstances are find what makes you happy and go for it!! :)

July 29, 2011

It is 5:30am and I am awake. I have such a hard time sleeping alone. I recently read the book ” A Stolen Life” by Jacee Gudaard and I can’t seem to shake the depression it put me in. Very sad story about being kidnapped at age 11 by a pediphile for eighteen years.

I am not sure when I was hospitalized at Schmc psychiatric hospital on Stockton Blvd because I have had so many hospitalizations there but this time was particularly frightening. I was quite manic when I was admitted and the first thing they did was tied me down to a cold bed for hours. About 15 staff memebers were in the room and were quite violent with me…Pushing me down on the bed breaking my acrylic fingernails and I ended up with bruises all over my body. I was there for three months. My boyfriend at the time whom I liked very much came and seen me once and asked me where I got all the bruises from. The staff said I kept hitting myself…which is quite odd since I was strapped down with both my hands and feet in leather restraints. My boyfriend never came and saw me again. It was during this time that the hospital overdosed me on haldol and I could barely move. Finally, I refused to take the haldol and slowly got better. I thought  I was going to die. Some of the people who worked at this hospital are quite mean and have no compassion. When I was finally released I was sent to transitional housing off E street quite close to where that lady was convicted of killing her elderly tenants for their soscial security checks. I was very scared living there and one night when i had to make dinner for the twenty or so people who lived there I became overwhelmed and had another psychotic break and found myself once again at schmc hospital.

August 7, 2011

The boyfriend I mentioned above…I will call him David was from Kuwait or Jordan (Ican’t remember) and he came to America to go to school. I first met his friend while I was driving my white Geo Storm with the license plate “OSharee” and dancing to my music like I always did while driving. I went on a date with David’s friend but as soon as I saw David I was immediately attracted to him. I love people from different cultures and and he had a cute laugh and engaging smile. We didn’t spend too much time outside of the bedroom and I fell in love with him. Although unbenonst to him I was quite manic during our courtship. I remember he and his friends ate rice with their hands and he got upset with me because I got makeup on his white washwrag…his whole room was white…white bedspread white rug…I told him what the hell did you buy white for? There is such a thing as bleach lol! Oh and his car was a white rabbit convertible car…my absolute favorite car of all time! It seemed as though he came from a wealthy family and told me he had to follow his parents rules and marry whomever they chose for him back in his country. I wasn’t allowed to answer his phone and had to take off my shoes before entering his apartment. I knew we couldnt have a future together but I couldn’t help falling for him…I wonder if he ever thinks of me?

August 9, 2011

I have had several boyfriends leave me because they did not understand my illness…not because i was too difficult but because they weren’t educated about what I have. One boyfriend I had didn’t leave when I had a psychotic break and I wished he had. He would disappear for days with no explanation just like my father did. One day out of the blue his PO (Parole Officer) came to my apartment looking for him…I was shocked and in a panic…what was he on parole for?  After my dad went to prison I wanted no part of someone being on parole for any reason. I found out that this boyfriend was heavily involved with drugs and smoking crack cocaine…stealing, and was changing license plates on cars (why? I don’t know) Itried to break up with him and he became violent and started to stalk me and force me to be with him. It was a crazy time. I had to leave in the middle of the night from an apartment I liked very much to never return. I was in college at the time and not sure how I made it through my classes but eventually had another hospitalization because I became paranoid that he was still after me and I was not safe. Thank goodness It has been fifteen years and I have not seen him since!

July 13, 2011

Since I am talking about boyfriends I should mention Brian. My mental illness did get in the way and I was too young to appreciate him. he is a very sweet man. He would send me cards and flowers all the time and since he traveled for his job I was always meeting him at hotels which was fun! I met him at La Quinta hotel where i worked the front desk and was always putting his name up on a board in the lobby because he was interviewing people in our meeting room at the hotel.  We dated off and on for about ten years and sometimes when I am in an episode I call him and he is always nice to me even though I am quite out of my mind…We dated from 1988 after the doctors said I had no mental illness and I went back to work at the hotel and soon thereafter went to San Diego State for school. A little after the first year at SDSU i went to live with Brian and after about a year I had another mental breakdown. Brian tried to understand but I was quite sick. I wasn’t very nice to him at times but he hung in there. I went back to Sacramento and had several more psychotic episodes and he and I still dated off and on for quite some time. But it wasn’t meant to be. It was a confusing time for me trying to find the right medication and a place to live since I didn’t have neither. I still think of him now and sometimes want to call just to say hi…but the only time I have the courage to is when I am manic…

August 27, 2011

I have been unable to get out of bed the past four days. I am so depressed. So many things I want to accomplish…I want to make a difference in this world and fall in love. Is this too much too ask? I feel no guy will love me because of all this weight I have gained from my medication. I am sad…a friend from high school recently contacted me and said I was the sweeest and one of the prettiest girls in our class…how can i tell her what is really the truth? I still think I am sweet but I sure don’t feel pretty…given my circumstances I know I have accomplished a lot and my friend Dalia said I am special and have many great qualities…why can’t I believe that? I know I have to change my thinking to be more positive…I have my blinds closed and I can hear the cheer and laughter outside my front window from the children having fun in the pool…I wish I could laugh too. I know this will pass but when? Why do I feel this way and How can I overcome it?

September 9, 2011

I have done so many embarrassing things when i am in an episode..Like thinking I am Janet Jackson…I think one of the hospitals has me video taped dancing and singing ” Miss You Much” apperantly I did a good job!! Once I fell in deep like with one of my professors (who is married) and I may have chased him around campus lol! He is very cute but I don’t usually chase after married men. I hope he has forgiven me…I was going to join a gym but i am just not able to at this time. I feel to self conscience…hopefully soon I will get the courage to do it. My depression is getting a little better…

September 25, 2011

I am going to talk with my psychiatrist about going off one of my medications depakote to see if I will lose some weight. This particular medication is a mood stabelizer and slows down my metabolism…I am a little scared that i will have an episode but I have to at least try because my weight issue is causing so much depression and other physical problems. Not to mention my self esteem and love life!! Wish me luck!!

November 11, 2011

My doctor doesn’t think it is a good idea to try and stop any of my meds…i agree…what was I thinking? I don’t want to take any chances of becoming psychotic. I am having trouble updating my blog some computer glitch that I hope will get fixed. I am looking forward to the holidays and hope those of you who are reading my blog have a safe and happy holidays!! I am focusing on my writing and learning to love myself even though sometimes I don’t feel very pretty…I know I need to overcome these feelings and be happy with all the qualities that I do have.

November 19, 2011

When I was hospitalized after I came back from San Diego I thought I was still together with an ex- boyfriend whom I loved very much but I think he was either married at the time or getting married. My mom had him call me in the hospital to tell me we were not together and he was in love with someone else. At the time this hurt me because i actually still thought he was my boyfriend. All I can remember is him telling me “You do not know me” And he found the girl of his dreams and “She is it…the one for me.” I am of course happy for him now but when I was in the hospital it upset me because I wasn’t quite my rational self. I do remember him telling me that I could get through this though. He knew I was a strong person and would come out of my psychosis…which I eventually did. Often people think if you have a mental illness you are not a strong person…but to actually survive and still strive to be happy and fulfill your dreams even though you have a mental illness…you have to be very strong! Everyone has something in their life to overcome so we are all survivors! Happy holidays and I will write again soon..

November 21, 2011

I hope to make a difference in this world…I want to change people’s perception of those with mental illness. My mom says that I will never be able to get rid of the stigma surrounding the mentally ill. But I at least have to try. Only a small percentage of those with mental illness are dangerous. I keep writing my letters and educating others on how the majority of those with a mental illness are not dangerous at all and actually are four times more likely to be a victim of violence then the cause. I will never stop trying to educate others about mental illness and will continue to chip away at the negative stigma which surrounds it.

December 2, 2011

One of the boarding homes I stayed in was a very nice on the outside two story house…but the inside was a different story. The land lady lived with us and would take all our money then hardly buy us any food. For example instead of buying milk in a carton she would buy us evaporated milk in a can…gross!! Also we had no hot water and the toilette rarely worked. In addition there were tiny little mice running all through the house. One night she came up to me and said if you don’t like it just move out! I didn’t have anywhere to go so I had to endure her lack of compassion…yet to all her friends she was like a queen because she “helped” the mentally ill. I wonder how she slept at night…

Another home I stayed in wasn’t that great of a house but the land lord liked me so when she went to the store she always picked up something extra special for me like a pizza or diet coke. We had plenty of food there and she was a very nice lady. Although, the neighborhood wasn’t that great. One time when I was walking to Rite Aid someone threw a soda can at me while driving by in a car. Another time someone threw a rock and I had a bruise for two weeks! I am thankful to have my own apartment now. I pray that I am never homeless again!!

December 3, 2011

I have been hospitalized over twenty times for my mental illness within the last twenty four years. Sometimes I would be hospitalized four times a year. Since I started taking zyprexa my hospitalizations have slowed down. I did have one episode about three years ago where I should have been hospitalized but wasn’t. I didnt sleep for a week, gave all my money away to perfect strangers and stayed at La Quinta hotel courtesy of my visa card…since there is no cure for Bipolar 1 with psychosis even though I faithfully take my medicine I still have episodes. Often when I  have an episode I end up in San Francisco walking around lost and not knowing who I am or not remembering events that took place during my episode. It’s very strange.

December 14, 2011

When I came back to Sacramento from running from the police with my dad…I wasn’t allowed to talk about what happened or even bring up my dad’s name. There was so much secrecy and i felt very ashamed of what my dad did and  I thought somehow it was a reflection of me. It took me a long time to realize that I am nothing like my dad. He made very bad choices in his life. I no longer feel ashamed and I know that none of what he did was my fault. I do however hate to be by myself at night. I am ok during the day but have panic attacks at night and if I am alone I sometimes stay awake until it is light out then go to sleep after the sun has come up.

I am teaching another free seminar in February and Can not wait!! The next thing I would like to do is speak at different colleges about mental health, however, I am not ready yet…way to nervous for that!

December 19, 2011

It is three in the morning and I am awake…not feeling too well. But good news, I am having christmas for the first time at my apartment. Even though it is small everyone is coming. I have a little tree and am so excited. i met my mom’s boyfriend of three years today. I met him briefly last christmas when he surprised my mom and showed up at her house just be fore I w as ready to leave. Let me say this…I don’t think i have ever met a more sweet guy and he is obviously crazy about my mom. it is so refreshing to finally see her in a healthy relationship.

I have been having nightmares of someone beating me…I wonder what that is about? Also, I have been conteplating about calling my dad on Christmas but I hve decided against it…he does not call me. I wonder if he thinks about me or is it when he wants sympathy from the people around me that he brings up my name. he has a lot of children that he does not have a relationship with…so I am not the only one. My sister has found most of them on facebook and we are catching up there. One day I plan to visit them. My one brother came to California but I chose not to see him because of my weight. Silly I know and I will make an effort in the future inspite of my weight. My father is not a good person and I am. Simple as that.

January 2, 2012

I had a great Christmas and am looking forward to the new year. I am focusing on loving myself faults and all and working on having a better relationship with my mom.

I loved being in College. San Diego State was a pretty campus but I transferred to Sac State after I left San Diego due to my relapse and hospitalization due to my mental illness.  I was a teachers assistant at CSU, Sacramento and a Research Coordinator. I worked really hard in my classes…I don’t do too well on multiple choice exams but luckily most of my classes were writing essays for the exams. I loved writing and I excelled. College was very important to me and it was always my dream to graduate. I was the first to graduate from a University in my immediate family even though I had over twenty hospitalizations for my psychosis. When I would get sick in the middle of a sememster I would have to start all over and retake the classes…most of the time I became ill during a break from my studies like the summer or winter break…not sure why. But I did graduate and even tried to get into the master’s program but it was too stressful and I became quite sick and decided that I needed to focus my attention on something else…Like changing the world lol!

January 28, 2012

College was so long ago and now my focus is on making a difference in this world. Due to my weight it is hard to get around but this year it is my hope that writing my letters to congress and the president regarding the budget for the mentally ill…will reach out and make our voices be heard loudly!!

It is hard to express just what happens when I go insane…or become psychotic. It is very scary to have strange thoughts and not be able to control my behaviour. I want so desperately to go off this medication that is depressing me so much that I have contemplated taking my own life. I just push this terrible thought out of my head and stay strong. I would like to get involved in volunteering to do some research on the side effects of these horrible medications especially the ones for psychosis. There is only about five of them for the doctor to choose from.

I have never tried to take my own life and I hope i never will. Sometimes I dont know what is wrong with me. I seem to be more than bipolar wich is a mood disorder. I have been told I have a thought disorder as well. Also, during an episode I sometimes forget who I am or think i am a famous person. I also used to take off walking sometimes for days…It is very strange. I know I have to take my medicine. I hope soon there is an alternative. I just don’t know how much longer I can take….being so overweight. My illness makes me wonder just what happened with my dad while I was living with him that i don’t remember…I wonder if he remembers and that is why he doesn’t call me or write to me…

6 Responses to “Confessions of a Manic Depressive (Bipolar)”

  1. Kim Holt says:

    Sherrie, I am so glad to hear that you are doing so well. I have been trying to find you for a long time and happy to see that you are fulfilling the dreams you always had of being an advocate for mental health. Email me.

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